im six kinds of drunk right now
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
