my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
