turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
