I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
