Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
