How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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