Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
