When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
