He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
