I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
