Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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