Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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