Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
