I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
