my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
