i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize