i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
