my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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