god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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