If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize