Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
