Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
