Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
