Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
