Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
