im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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