Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
