I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
