Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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