You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
