Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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