nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
