i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
