Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
