How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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