So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
