a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Someone came in the potted fern
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize