I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
