just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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