Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
