toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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