there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
