Please, let me fuck your mom
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
