I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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