My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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