I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
