does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
