Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My dick has a subreddit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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