I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
