I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
