she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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