yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
