captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
