so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
