My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
