I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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