Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
