why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
