If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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