i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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