We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
