she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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