I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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