You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
