I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
