dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
