I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
