Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
