Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
