so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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