well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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