Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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