As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she peed on how many people?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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